Trigger Warning: This birth story involves miscarriage, induction, tearing, incontinence and psychological birth trauma. If you are triggered by these topics you may wish to skip this blog or read it once you have support available. If you are seeking support for your birth trauma, you may wish to contact our Peer Support Service.
I had three miscarriages then one successful pregnancy.
The entire pregnancy was uneventful till about 20weeks where I was diagnosed as GDM and needed insulin. Nothing major and the diagnosis, diet and insulin was a God send as it all made me feel better.
My delivery was induced as I noticed reduced movement. That was my first mistake.
The doctors monitored me and baby was fine but there was a “but”. Each doctor caring for me kept throwing all this scary information about what could possibly happen to my baby because I was an insulin dependent diabetic. The crazy things I was being told was beyond understanding at the time. Simple things I understand now but at the time I was a mess.
My partner had no idea what to do and therefore left it in my hands. I felt like I had no one in my corner to help me so I agreed to the induction.
They started Thursday afternoon with three different attempts of induction and each attempt was painfully awful AND I was only dilating the tiniest amount and at the slowest rate. None of the painkillers worked so induction pains were disgusting.
Saturday they broke my water, I was beyond exhausted, I started to get sick and after an hour (possibly longer) of true labour I gave up and asked for an epidural. I had been asking for a casearean because there was nothing left of me, I didn’t want an epidural as I was afraid of a tear. I literally could not go on.
The epidural was heaven so I finally had a little sleep but then they needed me to push. Nothing was happening until my babies heart rate dropped below 50 so they brought out the forceps then literally ripped him from my body. Thankfully he was OK.
I ended up in theatre to repair a 3C tear. Physically I recovered somewhat. I will forever need physio, treatment and most likely a reconstruction. Mentally and emotionally it broke me. They broke me. I had post natal depression as my body was not the same. There’s no gratefulness of what my body can do, I already had that while creating my baby, they tore that out of me when they literally broke me. My partner saw the blood and said it looked absolutely horrifying. I don’t feel the same, regardless of how much work I do, nothing seems better. My transition to this new body, this new person is something I am still trying to deal with.
I’ve since birthed another beautiful child but.this time via casearean which they encourage after a 3a tear. I was really looking forward to recreating my birth journey with a planned delivery but unfortunately I developed a pulmonary heart effusion in my third trimester. I was hospitalised at 36 weeks with a great medical team all working together to bring me and my baby girl into safety. Which they did. My little girl was born only one week early and we’re safe and healthy.
I do my best everyday to work my.core, my pelvic floor, wear my incontinence underwear, squeeze when I laugh or sneeze and have retrained myself to drink water. I had stopped drinking water as I was soooo afraid to wet myself.
Needless to say I have had a lot of counselling to help me through this journey.
If you would like to connect with a mum who has experienced birth trauma, please contact our Peer2Peer Support service to connect with one of our Peer Mentors.
